Following my previous blog post, I am sure you're all fully aware that I struggled with adjusting to H being home on his last leave at home.
The Wednesday after this leave Family Day at camp was scheduled. I'd planned to stay with the only wife from the battalion that I was close to. I was excited to see her, but my mind was still confused as to how I felt about going to Family Day and putting on my smiles for everyone.
I drove the familiar route to the battalions previous barracks, as my friend (N) had not moved to the new location. I started my drive late, as I'd been working all day on the Tuesday. The route was tedious. I had driven it so many times I'm sure I could do it with my eyes closed! I set my iPhone to shuffle and linked it up to my car. I had been driving for a couple of hours when I reached Reading. My junction was coming up. The song changed, on came Snow Patrol - You Could Be Happy. My stomach did somersaults, and it was most definitely full of butterflies! The emotion and raw feeling of my relationship hit me. I held back the tears as I had the children in the back. Whenever I used to listen to this song I used to feel a bit smug, thinking that my relationship was perfect and nothing could take that away! How did I find myself in this current, so real, rut?! I felt like I want to drive to my husband and shake him. I had not spoken to him properly since he left to go back to work. I craved for some loving words, a loving text. All I wanted was a reminder that he did love me, and that I did love him. I knew the love was in me, but it felt suppressed. My mouth was dry and my body ached. That song, that album flooded my mind with the past. The perfect past. I could not pin point when we had started pushing each other away.
I got to N's house. All the emotion from hearing that song pushed to the back of my head. I was just being a drama queen, just being silly.
I was extremely anxious about seeing H, the children on the other hand were very very excited! Having never been to the new barracks it was stressful enough getting there. Time to put on my smiles! H gave me a kiss upon arrival, what had I been anxious about? The day went fabulously and we had a great laugh.
The day somehow turned sour. As N and I were getting ready to leave, H disappeared. I went to his room to see where he was. He sat on his bed watching Dragons Den, obviously annoyed at something, but what? 'Great, here we go' I thought!
It seemed that I had apparently had attitude and I was always moody. H continued to say that I am never happy anymore, and refused (in his drunken state) to walk me and the children to the car. My blood boiled. How dare he ruin my perfect day? I could not see in any way that I had been in a bad mood or had attitude.
I stayed with N that night again. After putting the boys to bed we stayed up and chatted. I cried. My mind and sanity was fragile and I had no idea what was going on with my relationship. I worked myself up into such a state that I made myself ill, drained and deflated. My energy levels pointed at zero.
Still in a state of confusion I drove back to Wales. Having not spoken to H my situation had not been made any clearer in my mind. Things went from bad to worse. After a night out with a friend, H came home in a horrid frame of mind. I had sat up all night crying, not knowing what was going on or what was to come.
I wanted to talk, I needed to talk. It seemed that H was not quite ready to talk, or even that he wanted to. I felt sick with worry, and anxiety. My mind was racing at 100mph. Before I knew it I found his wedding ring in my hand, and I heard the words "We've tried, and we've been through this so many times. It's not working. You're not the girl I fell in love with, you're miserable all the time".
I could not breathe! What? How? Why? My head spun.
For the rest of the weekend I stayed out of his way. What could I say? I was convinced he was a nutter, delusional! Of course I was happy. It was him! The time came for him to go back to work. I was too upset, too hurt to attempt to rectify anything. I was numb. We both agreed that we needed space. He needed time to reflect and see that he is the one with the problem. How dare he think this was me! We decided on no contact unless necessary. Reflection does not need to be clouded over with negative thoughts or desperate words. He hugged me before he left. I did not want to let go, in fear that this may be the end and this may be my final hug. I did love him, extremely. I just had no idea what was going on.
He left. I cried. Then I cried some more.
I was convinced that H would reflect and see his errors and would come back. I had to hold onto something, and that was my something. I could feel the love inside me heating up. It was still there, I knew it was, but had H's gone out?
Days passed and I continued to cry. I cannot describe this feeling other than numb. If I wasn't crying, I was empty. He made me whole, could he not see this? I went into work, I cried. I had not eaten properly for days, almost a week. I could not sleep. I was empty and numb, surely I had no tears left to cry? They continued to come.
People started to worry. I started to worry. What was going to happen? It had been almost a week now. I still could not eat, restless nights became the norm. I had had enough, but refused to call H in fear that I would push him further away.
I decided to reflect myself. I tried clearing my mind of the emptiness. Sounds silly right?
I sat there and realisation hit me. I was miserable all the time. I cannot remember my last day of feeling happy. Had a slowly sunk into this dip? I felt like such a fool. "Go and reflect" I'd said. "You need help" I'd said. "Just admit it's you, you have a problem" I'd said.
Suddenly I realised I needed help. Maybe it was me. I knew it was a definite that I needed help sleeping. My mind raced. I spoke to a friend. It was time to get someone elses point of view, someone else who knows first hand how I am feeling. I was still numb. My body was lifeless.
I telephoned the doctor, in hope of an appointment. 'If I could get one decent nights sleep' I thought. Sat in the waiting room I felt a bit silly. I felt fine. Why was I going to the doctors? I'm going to come across as a nutter if I go in there and there's nothing wrong with me. I had not cried all morning. There was nothing wrong with me.
My name came up on the screen. In I went. At the first question my eyes filled up. I tried to talk. I had felt like this for so long that it was hard to believe I had a problem, that it wasn't just the way I was. The doctor was excellent. Talked me through everything. Most he knew, due to my previous breakdown in the doctors chair with a different doctor merely a few months before. After a quick assessment, a few questions, a few more tears and trembling voiced answers, the doctor realised this was not a recent change. I had depression. My problem is that I am so used to being able to put my smiles on. I exhaust myself. Unfortunately by doing this I had managed to push the people closest to me away. It was time to accept help!