Well, deployment looms as ever, and things have gone down the slippery slope and completely off course.
Alcohol - What does it mean in everyones lives? A bit of fun? A vice? Something you cannot live without? Unfortunately I have been exposed to alcoholism most of my life. My dad is the way he is due to alcohol. He has damaged his body so much. Yet I still drink! Cirrhosis of the liver is hard to come to terms with when you are told your dad has it and he will not get a transplant. Why ruin your body that way? I also, this week, learned that my dads brain is actually 30 years older than it should be due to alcohol damage. I want to shake him, I wish I had known this many many moons ago, so I could warn him! Stop him from drinking!
My husband likes a drink. And unfortunately he drinks more than I care to admit of minding. It's his life, I think. But once it starts effecting my life, I have to take charge. Unfortunately walking out on the one you love seemed my only option.
It was very late on a Friday night. H had been drinking with his very close friend, a friend of which I approved! H seemed happy and that was nice to see. The boys sat with me and spoke how boys do, having a laugh. When his friend left, I was not expecting the turn of events.
After texting a thank you message to a friends boyfriend, as he had bought me an American Army hoody (as requested), a text which I though was innocent. H did not see it this way.
Unfortunately, H has been pushing himself away now for some time, and I worry that this may be some sort of self shield before he deploys to war once more in a months time. Due to the distancing being created between us, and an innocent incident by myself, it has also planted non-trusting thoughts into his head. These thoughts seem to surface after a good few beers!
Things got a bit out of hand, and I felt no choice but to grab my children and leave the house. This was not a scare tactic, my decision was final (at that moment) to leave for good!
This non-H like manner only comes out after a drink. Alcohol! H's vice! I longed for him to see that, in my eyes it was causing a wedge! And that wedge was due to crack very soon.
I'm sure your all wondering of my innocent incident that has planted doubt in H's head. A couple of months ago, H and I were out watching the Welsh Guards rugby, and as expected we bumped into some of H's friends from the Welsh Guards. I got on extremely well with one friend in particular. It wa not a sexual attraction, we had good banter. H was there so there was nothing going on. After talking to this boy on Facebook for a while, it sparked jealously within H. My 'not telling him' probably did not help, but the messages were not at all cheat-worthy. H has now read all the messages between his friend and myself, but unfortunately the induced jealousy is hard for him to shake off.
That weekend I did nothing but cry. I was up and down like a yo-yo. I'm leaving him, I'm staying with him. Where's my flower so I can pull each petal off, maybe that could help me make a decision and help my eyes see clearly!
I could not live without him, I could not breath without him, and the thought of him going to Afghanistan without my support was overwhelmingly hurtful!
I went to my counselling session on that Sunday. What do I do, I thought. I went in, independent woman styley! I can do this! I was determined that was the end, and that niggling at the back of my head will disappear over time. It had to disappear! I stepped into my home, there he was, ready to leave for work. I looked at his face, it stabbed my heart numerous times. This independent woman malarky was not kicking in. His beautiful green eyes read me like a book, he opened his arms and lifted his mouth. I fell into him. This is where I belong. My wonderful thought, sat in his arms. I cried! We cannot let go of what we have, it's still there hidden under doubt, fear and worry, but it was there.
We made promises. Let's hope we both stick by them! Mr & Mrs H... We're too strong together, we are a team!
H will cut down the drinking, he promised he will for me. I really really hope that my belief in him is reality. That moment I fell into his arms that night, it was like the beginning of a new chapter. I could breath more clearly, filling my lungs to the brim. This is how true love feels, it feels warm & cosy, with a slight glimpse of new horizons!
This right here, this is my wonderful thought. When I start feeling low, when I start having doubts, when he is not close to me, I can feel the butterflies. The butterflies of excitement, the butterflies of his comforting arms.
His arms will be around me soon! Think Of A Wonderful Thought....