The title of this post is probably confusing... But let me just explain myself -
When I think back to before H left for Afghanistan this pops into my head "who was pushing who?". Needless to say, H and I weren't all roses before he left. We had been through the mill, and still not yet fully recovered. The thought of that length of time apart created so much anxiety in me that I could not relax to enjoy my time with him.
Now my heart aches for him, and I curse myself for not making our time special (really special) before he left. Then I sit there and remember that we "weren't quite there" then. And creating false moments would not be any good either. Obviously we had good times, and I loved him with all my heart, but special moments, etc seemed expected due to what was coming, therefore taking the special out of them. Everything we did was tainted with expectation.
Since H left I have had yet another lonely birthday. I had a cake in work on my actual birthday, which was lovely, but something was missing. I went out for tea with my mum, her boyfriend, and the boys, but something was missing. The Saturday before my birthday I went out for a meal with a friend then into Cardiff for a few drinks, but something was missing. The feeling of something missing would bubble up in my stomach, and make me feel sick. I would think to myself 'stop being so pathetic, its just another day. Stop it" but it would linger there waiting for a release that wasn't going to come.
I kept my phone near me in work, knowing that he would call. I had already had a wake up call, but my mornings are so rushed, its never the best time to call. His little picture flashed up on my phone's screen! "Hello baby" I answered. "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Kirsty, happy birthday to you". The tears welled up in my eyes, gosh how I wish he was here, in front of me, holding my face and kissing my lips. The phonecall wasn't too long as I was in work, but regardless of how long it was, it made my day. His sexy voice made me smile. "Tell Nicola thank you for getting you a cake as I couldn't".
After a long day at work, I came home to an attempted delivery of a parcel and attempted delivery from InterFlora. Hmmmmmm I thought. InterFlora had delivered my bunch of flowers to next door, and last tours memories swept through me. I don't recall if it was for my birthday or just because, but H sent me flowers and once again I had missed the delivery and they had been delivered next door. My next door neighbour is lovely, little old lady. She always has cakes for the children, they love seeing her! So this birthday - I knock on her door with disappointment as she is not there. I do not have time to wait as my mum was expecting me at the restaurant.
The whole time at the restaurant all I kept thinking was 'Come on, wanna get home, wanna see my flowers'. H is amazing at buying flowers, and I knew they were going to be gorgeous, and I simply could not wait to see them! We finish up at the restaurant, and I drive home to get to my flowers. Mrs Jones was home. She smiled when she saw me, and said "Is it your birthday or something" I nodded and she led me into her conservatory. There they were, a massive bunch of flowers, wrapped in fuschia wrapping, and placed in a gift bag. The flowers were beautiful, big pink roses and lots and lots of lilies, waiting to open up to show me their beautiful bright pink lining.
I thanked Mrs Jones, and carried my bunch of flowers back to my house. It was late so I gazed at them in the kitchen and prepared the vase as the children put their pyjama's on. I wanted to get the boys to bed before I arranged them in the vase and decided where they would live. It was late so the boys went to bed with no fuss, as they were exhausted. Once they were tucked in, I went back to the kitchen. I looked at my beautiful flowers and arranged them in the vase, deciding they should live on the windowsill in the living room. I was so proud of them. Gosh I loved that man!!
That night I lay in bed and weeped. I ached more than ever for him. I spoke to the sky, knowing that we were under the same one. We will be together soon, and then I can sleep with my curtains closed, knowing he is safe by my side, kissing my lips.
I realise that my love for my husband is growing, with the waiting I love him more every day. The anxiety that looms around military relationships is shrinking, and my love is growing. My aching for him confirms my love, my strength to wait for him confirms my love, and my ability to dream of when we are back together confirms my love.
As silly as this may sound, Op Herrick 16 has revived my love, revived my marriage, and made me realise just how much I truly love my husband. Sometimes the true love is over looked by routine, and expectations. When you are thrown out of routine, and your life is turned upside down, paralyzed, you realise who you want and what you want. I am grateful for this tour, grateful for it confirming our love for each other, and reminding us of this love, this true love. The love that is everlasting!
Absence makes the heart grow fonder!